*Show picture of Town Square statue during sunrise/sunset with mod logo in the foreground*
Welcome to the official Tourist Guide to Barberville, your number one stop for fine dining, shopping, and leisure this side of the Midwest. Founded by Maurice Rudolph in the 1830s whilst slaughtering Native Americans in the middle of the Great Plains, this mining town - turned dying town - turned glorified suburb is just the place to settle down and raise a family, or simply drive through if you're unlucky enough to be caught on the rural backroads of this fine state.
*Present table of contents, with each "chapter" linking to a future post in the thread*
*Show picture of Neil eating dinner in his living room with his family and the "Fine Dining" caption*
Barberville was founded on food. Literally. Studies will show you that almost every explorer who discovered the area didn't die of starvation upon arrival, as there was already abundant food supplies left over by the Native Americans. There's also rumors that the founders sauteed and ate the Native Americans themselves, but that's just a rumor that's been glorified through hearsay and the internet. Regardless of if you're into actual food of human carcases, this fine town has many fine establishments to sink your teeth into!
*Show picture of NIVO on Jade Street*
If true European cuisine is your thing, there's no better place to go than NIVO, the well-known Dutch fast food restaurant that's been known the world over for sticking fried food into vending machines and charging you for what is nothing more than a deep-fried Sausage. After it's expansion to America last year, NIVO opened up a nice looking store on the popular Jade Street. Now that you have your "Frikandel", all you need is a tracksuit, a mullet, and a 30-year old European coupe, and you're ready to act like true Eurotrash.
*Show picture of B&J's with lengthy drive-thru*
It started out with root beer in the 1920s, continued into restaurants in the 1950s, and expanded into former Soviet blocs in the 1990s. Today, B&J's is going strong and has never looked back. Our fine town is fortunate enough to have a branch of American history in our fine town, where people have been going to get root beer, hamburgers, and diabetes.
*Show picture of The Margaret House during the evening with a limosine parked in front of it and someone stepping out*
It was once the number one spot to go to drink martinis, eat fancy spaghetti, and listen to Big Band musicians live on stage back in the day. Now, it's the number one spot to drink watered-down martinis, eat pre-heated spaghetti, and listen to Big Band musicians on a mixtape. Nevertheless, it's the place to go if you want to feel important and stuck in a 1950's time warp. Don't think you're too high up the ladder while you're there, though. If you even look at one of the LaRocco's the one way, somebody is going to find your innards in the next Calzone.
*Show picture of Liz playing video games in her room with "Hobbies" caption*
Are you into video games? How about stamp collecting? Do model trains fit your bill? Forget those lame hobbies. You're in Barberville! You have a whole town at your fingertips, and all you want to do is seclude yourself? Shame on you. Now that you're indoors, you can gawk at all these interesting hobbies that the rest of us get to do while you waste away.
*Show picture of Liz dancing hakken at Digital Underground*
Hakken started out in the Netherlands during the 1990s when a raver had a seizure attributed to an overdose of ecstacy. After noticing that their friend was having a fatal seizure, all his raver friends started copying his move. He may be dead today, but his final moves have lived on well into the 21st century as "Hakken", which is Dutch for something we can't quite translate. It managed to sneak its way into America a few days ago, and now it's breaking out on dancefloors all over America like herpes. So if you're bored and have nothing productive to do, book it to Digital Underground, take a handfull of pills, and act like you're curbstomping a minority while you're waddling your arms about.
*Show picture of Neil breaking into vintage car in the woods*
We all love cars. Cars have been around for at least a hundred years. But are there any cars that're around from that era? Probably. There's a lot of old vintage cars around the woods without any owners or anything, just ripe for the picking for any car collector who wants to fill their garage with a giant hunk of metal that's over fifty years old. Either that or you can sell it to your friend Lew for a nice turnover.
*Show picture of Liz dealing drugs in an alleyway*
Run out of money on your visit? Need to make some extra cash for whatever reason? No matter where you are or who you are, there's always money in drug dealing. That's right, drug dealing. It's one of America's best traditions, and it's a victimless crime. You're not killing anybody, rather the buyer is when they stick that needle in the arm. But needles to them are dollar signs to you, so if you wanna make a buck, you gotta get the contacts. There's a good deal of them around the warehouses. Just watch out where you go, though. We've seen the needle and the damage done.
*Show picture of crowd hanging around Jade street with "Residents" caption*
With a population of about a thousand or so (we don't know for sure because the census takers were chased out by rednecks a few years ago), there's many of interesting people to meet, befriend, get into drunken fights with, and threaten to burn down their property - all in true North Yankton style! Here, we've selected a few well-known faces around town for your viewing pleasure. Maybe you'll be fortunante enough to run into them during your visit, assuming you don't get on their bad side.
*Show picture of Neil standing in front of a construction site with his arms crossed*
Neil is a 39-year old resident of Barberville, having lived here all his life, except for when he left to join the army to become a paratrooper. But aside from that, he's been here nearly all his life. He's a Union carpenter and has been ever since he escaped that Bosnian POW camp back in the '90s. You can either find him at work, holding up picket signs in the name of fair pay and shorter hours, or loitering at the hobby store, looking for something to pass the time with to give him meaning to his dull, dull life.
*Show picture of Liz leaning up against her parent's Bison at their farm*
Liz just got out of high school a few months ago, and hasn't skipped on any opportunities to make it big in this town. Seen here with at her parent's farm, Liz is the second generation of German immigrants here in town. Come think of it, we're not even sure if "Liz" is a German name to begin with. Her last name is, though, but clearly not her first, being short for the English "Elizabeth". I know the Germans spell "Elizabeth" as "Elisabeth", so wouldn't that make her "Lis"? We don't fucking know, it came out as "Liz" on the application. Anyway, when she's not out helping her parents out on their grain farm outside of town, she can be found partying the night away at Digital Underground, one of the town's hottest nightclubs.
*Show picture of Kane standing on a platform at the train station, yelling at the camera and wielding a gun*
Kane is the perfect example of what happens when you don't stay in school. Ever since he dropped out of school, he ran away to join the army, got kicked out after sodimizing the drill sergant with a training rifle, and turned to a life of crime. He's not all to blame, though. If it weren't for his mother being a prostitute and his father beating him, Kane would probably be a sane, productive member of society. Also considering the crowd he hangs out with nowadays, growing pot in his apartment underneath synthetic lights and talking to his hallucinations all day, no wonder Kane's personality is a marvel to behold.
*Show picture of Willem standing on the balcony of his mansion, talking on his cell phone*
Even if you're not here for work, Barberville is an excelent place to retire. Look at one of our newest residents, Willem. Willem was born in South Africa and started an import-export business that moved what he calls "humanitarian aid" throughout the African continent, then through Europe, and now he's settling down here in the heart of North Yankton. Willem can be found either socalizing with some of Barberville's socialites, maintaining his collection of vintage sports cars, or testing his "humanitarian aid tools" in the middle of the woods.
*Show picture of Rob, drunkenly staggering out of the AOD clubhouse*
The best part about Barberville is that you get to meet people from all different walks of life, from ministers to child molesters. One example is Rob. Hailing from Carcer City, Rob is one of those rough-and-tumble bikers you see in the movies. I, the editor, had a personal run-in with him while walking back from the 24/7. He jumped out from behind an alleyway and pointed his gun at me, threatening to use a cat on me or something. He smacked me with the butt of the gun and stole my money as I fell over and rolled into the gutter like a sissy. Despite the description, being mugged at gunpoint by Rob is a good memory and each tourist should experience it at least once.
*Show picture of Neil being beaten up by a police officer at a union strike*
Where would we be without public service? Streets would be full of litter, fires will burn for days, and people will be dropping dead left, right, and center over something as simple as a cold. Luckily, Barberville has a great deal of state-of-the-art public service resources and utilities, all funded by the taxpayers.
*Show picture of Squad Car pulling over a pickup truck on a rural road*
The streets of Barberville stay safe and secure, thanks to the Fitzgerald County Sheriff. They're known for their "old school" ideas and principles, such shooting first and asking questions second & beating up anybody that isn't white or male. They're also known for their "old school" equipment, such as squad cars from the 1980s and weapons that haven't been used since the fall of Saigon.
*Show picture of Liz walking out of St. Andrews Medical Center*
There's hundreds of ways to end up in the hospital, all ranging from self-inflicted gunshot wounds to getting in the way of a speeding locomotive. Lucky for you, there's the fine staff at St. Andrews Medical Center. Named after the patron saint of Scotland who was nailed to cross, the doctors there will make sure you get jacked up on painkillers, patched up, and sent on your way for the next adventure.
*Show picture of Neil and Liz throwing molotov cocktails at a burning car*
The Fitzgerald County Fire Department is at the ready with water cannons to put out any fires in town - or to subdue protesters who exercise their freedom of speech a little too freely. When they're not doing what they're known for, they're almost always found in the firehouse, playing dominos and eating chilli. Yep. They'll be around anytime now.
*Show exterior of G.I. Rick's*
The second amendment to the United States constitution gives citizens the right to "bear arms". In the 21st century, we're assuming that "arms" can include fully automatic weapons and military-grade artillery. So if you're constantly being harassed during your visit, want to take part in some natural selection, of just a keen collector, G.I. Rick's is just the place to go.
*Show picture of Neil loading M16 rifle in his office*
From the jungles of Vietnam to the oil fields of Iraq, the M16 has proved itself to be a battle-worthy weapon. Now it's collected by Vietnam war buffs and war veterans who can't let the past go.
*Show picture of Liz cocking a Saturday Night Special in Digital Underground*
The handgun is a staple of American culture, and the Saturday Night Special is no exception. Politicians argue over them, parents shelter their children from them, and Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about them before being killed off in a plane wreck.
*Show picture of Neil aiming a hunting rifle on a downtown rooftop*
What do you get when you find an old Nazi German bolt-action rifle and stick a scope on it? You've got yourself one hell of a good hunting rifle. Go out there and bag yourself a deer so you can stick it on your wall and brag about it to all your friends.
*Show picture of Liz hitting a car with a baseball bat in the subrubs*
The batter is up to bat and ready to swing! The best thing about the Milwaukee Slugger is that there's no waiting period on it. So if you have an annoying neighbor, want to do some property damage because you're an antisocial teenager, or rarely - want to hit baseballs, this bat's for you.
*Show picture of rednecks loitering outside of store as Neil walks past them with "Gangs" caption*
Looking for a gentlemen's society or a dining club to join once you arrive in town? Too bad. This is North Yankton, miles away from all those "high society" establishments. What other options are there? You could join one of Barberville's many gangs, or what they call themselves, "alternative lifestyle associations". The police calls them gangs, though, but we don't know why. They aren't shooting at eachother, so they don't seem very violent.
*Show picture of Angels of Death riding down mountain road in a bike formation*
Ever since their formation in the 1940's, the Angels of Death have been opening the throttle and screaming down true American roads, from major interstates to cozy backroads, there's not a spot where these bikers are not. They opened up a chapter outside of town in the early 1980s and is led by Rob Cassidy. All we know is that he's from Michigan and nothing else, much like the secrecy of all these crazy biker gangs.
*Show picture of Liz, Todd, and Kane dancing hakken in front of the LTD Gas Station*
The west side of Barberville is polluted with antisocial teenagers and young adults who take ecstacy and listen to bouncy techno music. They call themselves "Ravers". During the daytime, these ravers are always hidden in their parent's basement, anxiously awaiting for nightfall, where they go to their favorite rave venues to take ecstacy and bounce around to their favorite hardstyle hits, or failing that, loiter in front of gas stations to sell drugs and get in fights with each other as to whether or not "nightcore" is the same as "happy hardcore".
*Show picture of Rednecks loitering in a trailer park, drinking beer and leaning up against pickup trucks*
What you might call "creepy white trash motherfucker-in-the-literal-sense", we call hard-working blue collar workers, even though they don't do any actual work aside from driving trucks through the mud. You can find these fine country folk watching stock car racing, blasting country music all hours of the day, buying unnecessary accessories for their pickup trucks with welfare money, or committing domestic abuse. Despite their close friendships and brotherhood, you should be very careful around them if you're a minority, anyone who lives above the poverty line, or constantly points out the fact that North Yankton is a Northern state. Reprecussions of this are known to involve being tied to their trailer hitch and dragged through the mud.
*Show picture of Neil sitting down with members of the Mafia at a restaurant*
Italy is known for many things, such as pizza, wine, that leaning tower that everybody thinks is going to fall but never does, the ruins of ancient Rome, and the Mafia. It may surprise you that back during the prohibition era, North Yankton led the country in illegal alcohol stills, and who was around to tax the brewers and smuggle the moonshine but the LaRocco crime family, one of the biggest badasses back in the day? Of course, seeing as the days of prohibition are long gone, the LaRoccos aren't doing quite much, aside from helping out the community with soup lines, canned food drives, and free bicycles for the homeless. There's been rumors that the Francesco "Frankie" LaRocco, grandson of the original boss, was trying to cut a deal with the local carpenter's union, but so far, it's all been nothing but rumors.